I spend a lot of time working with young people. In understanding the young person, I have a lot of interaction with the adults that are in their lives. I hear complaints like: she or he is just lazy; she or he has no motivation; she or he just doesn’t care; she or he has no respect. When I speak to the young person the complaints sound more like: she or he never listens to me; you have to earn respect to get respect; school is drag, when am I going to use any of this stuff in life; why should I care? The thing that bothers me most however, is the young person today doesn’t know how to dream.
When I ask what they like to do, most of the time they state, I just like to chill with my friends. What does chilling mean? It can mean just hanging with friends. It can mean sitting around playing video games. It can be hanging at the park or walking the neighborhood. It never looks very productive but it’s the time when they are most happy. No demands from the adults who call them lazy, no expectations from the adults thinking they are not motivated, no judgments from adults, and being part of a group of friends. The adult world doesn’t like the way chilling looks. There is always a large group. They can be loud, cursing, and carrying on in a way the adults don’t think is appropriate. But the fact is, that most of the time, they mean no harm; they really are just “chilling”, letting off steam and experiencing that feeling of belonging in a world that is very confusing to them.
What worries me more about young people today, is when you ask them what they hope to have happen in their lives, what they hope for the future, they have no idea. They don’t have any dreams. They don’t know how to dream. What have we done as a society that has taken away the child’s ability to dream, to look to the future and to fantasize about what a great life they will have? How did we take away the young person’s right to look to a bright future and how do we get that back?
It’s very difficult for a person to be motivated when you don’t see the effort will lead somewhere. If you don’t have a dream, you may not have a direction or a goal. You do a lot of floundering without direction and goals. If you believe that no one believes in you, it becomes difficult to believe in yourself.
When you’ve grown up watching people jumping out of buildings because the building had been bombed in the name of religion, you wonder what life is about and what to have faith in: you wonder who will have a future. When your siblings and their friends go through college only to graduate and find there are no jobs, you wonder why bother. When your parents work long hours to provide for you and your home is destroyed in a hurricane, you wonder, what the heck is going on? When politicians run campaigns that degrade their opponents, you wonder if you should even bother to register to vote. It goes on and on. Watch the news. Read the news papers. Listen to the messages they are getting about life.
We wonder why young people are not motivated or seem not to care. Look at what has gone on throughout their formative years. How have we taught them to dream? What are the values we have raised them with? What messages are they getting from the media, their families, schools and their institutions of faith? How have we as a society grown to become dream stealers and nay sayers? How can we turn it around? How do we help young people believe in themselves and believe in their future?
Let’s not judge young people and put them down. Let’s build them up. Let’s give them values. Let’s teach them that hard work does pay off. Let’s teach them to rely on themselves and to develop their interests and talents. Praise them. Teach them to develop their strengths and talents. Encourage them to have faith in themselves and their ability to develop into successful adults and encourage them to be the creators of their own destiny. Help them create a plan, set some goals, and demand of life success and well being. Believe in them; they are our future.
If you are struggling with your teenager or if you think your teenager is struggling and you don’t know how to help, call 516=236=3290 for an appointment. I have an office in Lynbrook New York but if you are not local, I have skype sessions as well as phone sessions.
Life offers challenges and often we may feel we are on a roller coaster. Some days we feel great and we are offered, positive, wonderful experiences and other days we experience events that bring us sadness and strife. Each day brings us an experience to learn from and grow from: yes, even those difficult days.
I like to believe we are placed on earth to school ourselves for the next dimension: that experience of everlasting, eternal bliss. However, there seems to be many lessons we have to learn before we get there. Each time we think we are reaching a state of happiness, something will come up to challenge that state: illness, death, crime, divorce, pain and so much more of what life has to offer. Hence the roller coaster of life. Stuff happens. Life happens. Pain happens. So, what’s it all about? I think it’s about forgiveness. I think that stuff offers us opportunity to forgive.
It’s so easy to get angry. It’s so easy to blame. It’s so easy to feel hurt. It’s so easy to think things are happening to you by others.You are driving, heading toward work and someone cuts you off. You get ticked off and curse or engage in “sign language” you are not proud of. You feel so angry and blame the driver for being willfully obnoxious. Meanwhile, the driver was also driving to work. The driver was actively engaged in thoughts about work. The driver simply was not thinking about his or her driving and made a mistake. Was he really guilty of willfully cutting you off. The driver was literally unconscious. The intent was not to cut you off; the intent was simply to get to work and resolve whatever issue was causing the driver to not concentrate on driving. But you become angry and upset and the whole experience can set the tone for your day. Why ruin your day. Forgive the mistake and continue with your day.I think we often convict others of crimes they really had no intention of committing.
How many times do you get upset with your boss, or your boss gets upset with you or a fellow worker and you don’t understand how the boss can possibly be blaming you or your coworker for something done or not done? You get together with colleagues and create a whole scenario about the situation, with everyone contributing a factor. Ah, but is the factor a fact or have you all just created a story?
It easy and quick to get angry. But, what if you took a step back, took a deep breath, and thought to yourself, relax. Don’t jump to conclusions. Sometimes it sounds insulting and accusatory. Most often, it’s not really about you. It’s usually about an internal struggle of the other person. So relax, take a step back, take a deep breath and think. Forgive the situation. Often, it’s really not about you as much as it is about other conflicts. If it is about you, what is the conflict within you? Forgive and let go. Don’t create stories. Stick with the facts and don’t judge. Forgive and let go and give yourself an opportunity to grow.
For every drop, there is a lift on this roller coaster of life. No matter what the situation, step back, take a deep breath and relax. Find the point in the ride you enjoy and concentrate on that. Learn to enjoy the ride and let the bumps along the way just go by the wayside. Take your seat, open your eyes and enjoy the ride.
And if you find you need a little help, guidance or support on this roller coaster of life, call 516-236-3290. My office is located in Lynbrook, New York but I have phone sessions as well as skype sessions so you do not need to be local.